Wisdom and Love: The Great Struggle

I am not sure where I am going in my life right now, but I know that I am going somewhere. Whether it’s sitting in the subway back to Cai Jing Da Xue (where I live) from Hong Hu Li, or catching the next plane to Hong Kong, I’m moving – always moving.

At the same time, thoughts continue to flow, feelings come and go, and decisions are made. The world doesn’t stop; you only go backwards in time. As time moves on, you begin to understand things before you, make the connections, and you are finally caught up to the present.

Yet, I am still trying to make sense of this life, the decisions I’ve made, the experiences I’ve encountered, and what’s to come in my future.

I try to take small and big strides, working with the wisdom that’s given to me, and what I know as of today. It’s hard to see past passion, pain and uncertainty, making your way to the end of wisdom’s path, but I am blindly going with it.

I’m “rolling with the punches,” as they say. Making the decision to leave my family, friends, and, most of all, my beautiful girlfriend behind was not an easy one. I am still not sure if it was a good decision, but each day does bring new delight and fascination.

However, regrets can’t be had, and one “crying over spilt milk” is an action people do not like – there just isn’t any sense in second-guessing decisions that have been made. You have to continue moving forward, taking each moment with pleasure and excitement.

Wisdom tells me that no decision is a bad one, because you always learn. You learn when you are sitting down with gracious people, eating various plates of delicious food. You learn when you feel lonely at night, without your companion. You learn when you speak the word for “shrimp” and people look at you dumbfounded – they think you’re saying “shoe.”

I am trying to see beyond the surface, believing that, with pain, comes pleasure. I am also trying to see the bigger picture and maintain a commitment to my goals. Of course, uncertainty is a demon which I must face and conquer. Though, do you really ever conquer uncertainty? This seems to be God’s sheath over our eyes, because only “he” knows what’s to come in your life. Or, does he?

I hesitate to answer this question, because I believe some force is driving our lives and all that is beautiful. Moreover, this force has reached an extreme capacity of pure love and devotion. It is such a beauty and miracle that we are given free will to decide, for ourselves, where we will go next in life. As Descartes once said, “this is God’s utmost and true love” for us. I want to believe this as I continue to make decisions and mistakes; that, any pain I suffer is a result of my actions, and that I am embracing a gift – life – that was given to me.

My goals are to live life passionately, experience pain and happiness, and examine these experiences and construct my own reality. I believe this is my purpose in life, to continue living and form various episodes that constitute my life. I believe we are all given this purpose, and we have to seize the opportunity with righteousness. If, however, you decide to do evil onto others, your life will not be meaningful.

It’s not a matter of defining “evil” and “good,” or wrestling with philosophical questions concerning ethics and morality. I know I am a product of American culture, but what I feel – as it pertains to my actions – seems to be natural. I feel good when I commit good for others; I feel bad when I mistreat people. These are the consequences of my actions, and they guide the decisions I make in life.

Of course, everything is relative, and the accomplishments I make in life have no grounds for comparison with other people. Not just accomplishments, but I also mean mistakes, decisions, and life trajectories – we are all on different courses in life and we have to make the best of what we have.

Fortunately, I have been given such a beautiful life, comprised of amazing and beautiful people. I love you all so much; I am nothing without you all. Each day, you all give me such warmth and love. You all take me by the hand and guide me through the wind.

I am you and you are me. I am the result of my beautiful mother – god, I miss her so much. Each day, I am living for her, continuing her life and spirit. I am in China for her. I am in Japan for her. I am interacting with people for her. I am accomplishing what I can for her. She is in me, and I am living life for her, making up the days that she should have had. But, you too, are all in me.

The decisions I make come from you all. As I said, I am nothing without your wisdom, love and advice. I continue to tread unknown territory, but I am not afraid. I am guided by your hand, and through the cracks, I rise. I know this, because through my mistakes and decisions, I am taken to another point in life.

Liz, you took me in as your own son and gave me new life when my mother had been taken away from me. The love and support you gave to my grandfather – who I deeply loved – has driven me to be the greatest person I can be. I hope that I may have the same level of compassion and love as you.

Brian – you have always lent me your wisdom and broadened my horizons. You are both a brother and a father to me. Man, I can’t even imagine where I would be without you… When I was a troublemaker, with no direction in life, you came and rescued me. I look up to you in every way, and the wisdom you give me is golden. Not a day goes by that I try to live in your steps.

Aunts Sandy, Peggy and Uncle Tommy – you have all shown me how to live life passionately. This passion comes from the beautiful families you all have, and the commitment you all have towards making life the most it can be. I have had such wonderful moments with you all, and I hope that my family will one day be as equally wonderful.

Tim and Cindy – you all have shown me the beauty behind love and happiness. Your children are beautiful, smart and amazing. The warmth and love in your household reminds me that life is so wonderful and worth living. Thank you for bringing me up as your own son and giving me positive guidance.

Tony and Alma – your family is equally beautiful. You both have great personality and a pure heart. I can never express the gratitude I have for having had the chance to meet you all. Your store is so beautiful, as well as the impact you make in peoples’ lives. I only hope that my actions will be as pure and gracious as yours. I miss you all so much, and pray for your store's success.

My friends – you all know me the best. Valdo, Vinnie, Derek, Josh, John, Kellie, Charlie, Doug, Aaron, Anthony, Steven, Marcus, Robert, Will, Rollins, Sofi, Ray, and many others – you all give me air and life. When I fly, it is from the wings you all give me. You have all made my life such a great experience, I would be so cold and empty without you all. When I am down, and the energy is absent, you all bring back to the top and renew my faith in life’s beauty.

As they say in Buddhism, the lotus rises through the mud, and, upon reaching the top, it is clean. When I find myself sinking, you all come to my aid and bring me back to the surface. I do remain adamant in believing that the decisions we make come from within us. Moreover, the suffering that we experience is greatly a result of our actions.

However, these actions come from intuition, which is a culmination of all that has been taught to us. I did not come to China on my own. I came here with you all. You all guided me here, and have allowed me room for growth. I will make mistakes, but in the end, it will be you all who will break my fall.

We are all a web of free thinkers, given the opportunity to make our decisions and experience in this beautiful life. Thankfully, this “web” will catch us when we fall hard. Maybe though, the web might break one day. But, as long as we continue to live life passionately, the web will be rebuilt and remain strong. The strength will come in experience and numbers.

I am meeting new people each day, extending and expanding the relationships I have with people. This has been one result of my going to China. I have met so many wonderful people that, I can’t help but think, I would never have met in America.

The most beautiful person that I have ever met in my life comes from this faraway land. She is both very intelligent and compassionate, amazing and life’s greatest gift. Whenever I see her in pictures, or in person, I forget all that is bad and evil in this world. She drives me to pursue my goals, she makes me want to be a better person, and she is the main reason I am in China.

Lily, words can’t express what you mean to me. You make me believe in God. I know I may be young, and immature, but what I feel for you is genuine. I haven’t entirely given into wisdom and what it has handed down to me.

Wisdom has told me to go to China. Love has told me to remain with you.

Rather, I am holding both wisdom’s “hand” as well as love’s “hand.” Like a moment in which peace has been made – imagine President Bush shaking hands with Muslims – both hands are warmly embracing each other.

You see, I have made both a part of me, and I am taking my life in a direction that will make this embracement everlasting. I am here, in your country, to learn your language and your culture. I have given up my chance to be with you this year, as well as with my friends and family, to reach the depths of your heart.

This decision was not easy, but I have accepted wisdom’s conditions for love and happiness.

Each day, I relive your past, as baba and mama bring me up in a Chinese world. I see the places you have seen, experience your childhood moments, and slowly become one with you.

Though we started out an ocean apart, our two worlds have become my reality.

I am solving the beast’s requirements to reach your “labyrinth.” I am struggling to learn the language, breathing in the dust and fumes that is China’s pollution, sitting in a car zipping through near-death traffic, and spending each day without you, so that I can be a better man to you.

This experience is as much for me as it is for you.

When I become closer to China, I become closer to you. Your parents have become my parents. Their friends have become my friends, and China’s beauty and problems have also become mine.

It may be hard to see this as a decision guided by love, but wisdom has not won me over entirely.

I will be waiting for you, with experience and maturity in hand. These will be the tears and smile I wear when I step off the plan to see you once again <3